From Shy to Why

      “Confidence is contagious. So is lack of confidence.” Vince Lombardi, American football coach

 

Some of us are born with the gift of gab, and others struggle to get three words out of their mouth in social situations. If that's you, take comfort in knowing you are far from alone--four out of 10 people consider themselves shy. But the good news: Shyness can be overcome. With time and effort and a desire to change, it's possible to break through shyness and enter the world of confidence.

                                                  What is Shyness?

Shyness is the tendency to feel awkward, worried or tense during social encounters, especially with unfamiliar people. Severely shy people may have physical symptoms like blushing, sweating, a pounding heart or upset stomach; negative feelings about themselves; worries about how others view them; and a tendency to withdraw from social interactions. 

According to Royal college of psychiatrists about five in a hundred people have some degree of social phobia, with women two or three times more likely to be affected and studies over the last 12 years show only a third of people with social phobia recover without intervention, compared to a 95% natural recovery rate for depression and an 80% rate for panic disorders.

"Social phobia is tragic and the tragedy is that it's relatively easily treated but most people don't get treatment," says Professor Ronald Kessler from Harvard Medical School.

Shyness is not a medical or hereditary problem. It is a behavior pattern which you can change. Being shy is not necessarily bad and feeling shy from time to time in new situations is OK. It doesn’t necessarily mean being an introvert or not liking yourself. It means for some reason you get embarrassed when the spotlight (attention is on you).

Roots of Shyness

Shyness is generally symptoms of larger problems like weak self-image,  lack of belief in compliments, preoccupied with what people will say about your performance or you are labelled as shy by others.

The first step in overcoming a problem is accepting that you have a problem. You have to accept that you are shy & be comfortable with it. The more you resist it consciously or unconsciously, the longer it prevails.

Then we need to figure out what triggers you: What or which situations triggers your shyness most. Do you become shy: In front of new audience, learning a new skill, venturing into a new situation, surrounded by people you know & admire or when you don’t know anyone somewhere? Etc. Definitely you do not feel shy in all situations. You may be okay around family & friends because you know them better. So try hard to see strangers as family & friends, meaning it may not be you who is shy but situations make you shy.

Identifying SymptomsThen you need to concentrate on conquering the listOnce the list is completed, start working through them. Start dealing with the easy situations to boost your confidence, take it at your own pace, no rush. Try a few times on each one even if you are successful before you move to the next on the list, don’t worry about the setbacks.
Make a list of situations that make you feel anxious Anxiety is a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome. List them from the things that make you feel the least anxious to those that that cause you the most anxietyAnxiety Situations could be: ‘talking in front of people’ may be a trigger but you can be more specific: Talking in front of those who have authority, talking to those you find attractive, talking to those who are older or talking to those who are more educated than you.

The key point is to conquer your mindAlways know that you are the ruler of your mind. Place your attention on others (esp. people you are familiar with). Concentrate on compassion. Felling sympathetic or even empathetic helps boost your confidence. Visualize success – Keep your focus on the crown, the praise & recommendations. Practice good posture – It has the tendency to boost your confidence. Your body emulates your feeling. Research shows that good posture makes us feel authoritative, confident & reduces stress. Practice speaking clearly to yourself – Loving hearing yourself or your own voice (eg. Record yourself). Practice makes habits. Don’t compare yourself to others – Develop your own self-esteem and Identify your social values & strengths. and take advantage of them.
Conquering Social Situations through conversationThink of conversations in stages
Stage 1: Simple opening line, small talk at its finest
Stage 2: Introductions.
Stage 3: Find some common ground, a topic you can both discuss but pick your strengths
Stage 4: Closing – summing up & exchanging information
Start the conversation: Look & act approachable - Keep your smiles visible - Have a friendly attitude - Keep your arms uncrossed - Be polite at all times. Smile & make eye contact.
Even confident people who have the gift of gab do not walk away from social situations making friends, they just have a more fulfilling experience than those who are too shy to talk. Moreover don’t be afraid of rejection. Rejection and failures are part of life. Change your paradigm about these negative words and accept the changes.
Challenge YourselfSet goals for yourself - Focus on small, daily accomplishment and gradually become more daring, find your comfortable zones – place, topic, environment, etc., practice placing yourself in the not-so- comfortable zones, introduce yourself to one new person each day, put yourself out there, try new foods, discover new hobbies, learn about other cultures and read extensively. Remember it is as simple as: Imagine, Act, practice, repeat.

Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. Steve Jobs

Go after what you want in life, don’t let your shyness hold you back any longer!

It's a boy!

While we are anxiously waiting for our first grandchild to arrive, I am told over and over again that it is a boy. My son in law wishes for a girl, I prayed for identical twin girls but will be equally delighted with a single one, my daughter has even chosen a girl’s name but how come every person I meet (from our Asian background) is telling me that it is going to be a ‘BOY’. Why?
Despite spending a decade working in Pakistan I still find it hard to digest the male preference. While I try to understand all the reasons for such a preference, I feel disgusted by the makeup of the male dominated society. Male-centric customs and traditions in many countries like Pakistan are commonly practiced and women are made to feel like a nobody without a male companion.

No matter which class you belong to, every family (both father and mother) wants their unborn child to be a son. Baby girls are considered a curse and a financial burden, especially among poor families who find it hard to arrange large dowries when marrying their daughters off whereas boys are expected to fend for their families as soon as they start to earn.
‘Having a girl is a liability and having a boy is an asset.’

The stigmas attached to the birth of a female child is undeniable. Discrimination against girls starts in the womb because she is not particularly a ‘wanted’ child. As soon as she enters the world her journey of subordination starts. It is her father and grandfather who decide on whether she is entitled to an education and to what level. Educating for a career is unlikely. In the most important matter of whom she should marry, she is just told. After her marriage her reins are passed on to her husband and her in laws who decide when she should have a child, how many should she have and whether she should only produce boys. Seeking independent employment for self is a distant dream. When she gets older, her sons decide her fate in the later years of her life. On top of everything around her, the whole society plays the role of the oppressor, domineering her into submission. Thus, the word 'woman' in Pakistan is synonymous with 'endurance'.  She is simply forced to accept certain bare facts of life once she grows up to be a woman.

The status of woman in Islam is something individual, something that has no similarity in any other system. Islam lays importance on the fact that a woman is not inferior to man in any way.

The Quran states:  "O Mankind, keep your duty to your Lord who created you from a single soul and from it created its mate (of same kind) and from them twain has spread a multitude of men and women" (Qur'an 4: 1). 

While many have started to accept the importance of women, the stigmas attached to her very being is still implanted into the subconscious minds of the people. Awareness and freedom to spend one’s life is a basic human right but that very right is denied as men are afraid to lose control. Little do they know that marriage is not about rule and control, it is a partnership between two individuals, it can be established into an extraordinary relationship of trust, friendship and mutual understanding. Honour is glued to a woman’s everyday existence. 

Most of the families having both sons and daughters state that the traditional ways of the society are wrong but little do they do to bring about a change. If we just start to celebrate the birth of our girls, how wonderful a girl child would feel when she is accepted and celebrated. It would be remarkable to educate every child irrespective of their sex. How phenomenal it would be if while arranging marriages, we start to treat the girl families the way, we would like to be treated. It might mean doing the opposite of what we do today but it will save a lot of hassles for the girl and their families. How remarkable to be giving education and books as a dowry. It is the boy and his family who need to start turning the clocks around as being untraditional is not appreciated in a girl’s family. The hardships of an unfortunate widow or a divorced woman are at the highest. Rather than helping them to cope with their miseries, they are blamed for their misfortunes.
While I am anxiously waiting for my grand-child to enter the world, I have decided to celebrate a girl the way my country people celebrate the birth of a boy. I will continue to wave my untraditional flags hoping for a change, not championing for a Woman’s world but for better world. 

                       The Gratifying Grateful Game

In such a changing digital world where we are bombarded by multiple gadgets, we feel the need to follow the crowd and be a part of it. We hardly get time to pause, breathe and enjoy what we have. Time is something that is always short and as my hair are streaking silver by passing days, I realize how mundane many things are, that we once considered a must have. Being ordinary human beings, we can’t sell our ferraris and all our other worldly possessions and follow into the monk’s footsteps. It might seem that technology is turning us into busy bodies but it is up to us how we handle it.

About a year ago my daughter introduced a game to us calling it ‘the grateful game’. As a family of four (my crazy self, my loving husband, my cheerful daughter & my wise son) made it a habit to play the grateful game after our evening prayers and dinner together. We would ask each other, ‘What are you grateful for today?’ The interesting part is that no matter how our days went, we always found something that we were really grateful for and that has started to build. Luckily we acquired a too good to be true, son-in-law who is also a part of our grateful game. Since my daughter moved away to live happily ever after, we call her while we sit at the dinner table, to carry on the game.

Since we have been playing the game, we have discovered that there are innumerable things in a single day that we can be grateful for, we just don’t pay attention. Sometimes it is a simple gesture like a smile from someone that we acknowledge and then we carry it all day with us. I believe that every gesture attracts a similar gesture. Kindness thrives on kindness. Last week, as I was walking to the train station, the weather just played up and within minutes I was half drenched, I was half way between the tube station and my place so I decided the rain to stop under a tree. A kind stranger who live on the other side of the road, brought his umbrella insisted that I either take his umbrella

or sit inside his house. I was so touched by his kindness that I left him my birthday chocolate cake that I was carrying. Eating chocolate has always made me happier but that day parting from my chocolate cake gave me a double chocolatey feeling. Now that stranger is on my Christmas gift list.

It just reminds me of a story I read many years ago:

One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people live. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family. On their return from the trip, the father asked his son, “How was the trip?” “It was great, Dad”.  “Did you see how poor people live?” the father asked. “Oh yes”, said the son.
“So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?” asked the father. The son answered:
“I saw that we have one dog and they had four. “We have a pool that reaches to the middle of the garden and they have a creek that has no end. “We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. “Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.
“We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight. “We buy our food, but they grow theirs. “We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them.”

The boy’s father was speechless. Then his son added:
“Thanks, Dad for showing me how poor we are.”

People keep telling me that I am lucky to have a perfect family, understanding in-laws, jolly good friends, happy employees, satisfied students and a great place to live. Agreed, I am lucky because I don’t go into perfection of pleasing people, I please myself by doing the right things and people around me help me to achieve that. My family might not approve of everything I do or say, my in-laws might find me annoying sometimes, my employees might not agree with my decisions, my students might not understand what I talk about but all these disagreements are adding to my learning.
Today I am grateful that I am learning to see the difficulties s stepping stones. I invite you all to introduce the grateful game in your life, in your family and friend’s lives and help them see how many things we ignore to acknowledge.

‘If you have food in your fridge, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of the world. If you have money in the bank, your wallet, and some spare change you are among the top 8% of the world’s wealthy.

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness you are more blessed than the million people who will not survive this week. If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the agony of imprisonment or torture, or the horrible pangs of starvation you are luckier than 500 million people alive and suffering. If you can read this message you are more fortunate than 3 billion people in the world who cannot read it at all.’

                              Lessons I learnt from my dad

                              ‘Fathers are the silent heroes of our life.’

We only realize the importance of parents when we become parents ourselves and we appreciate our fathers more when we marry. While mothers hold the fort together, fathers bring home the real world experiences and values that leave blue prints for us to follow. Mother who brings us up physically and morally, it is our father’s presence that fulfills and nourishes our emotional and social sides.

My father, my real hero has always been a man of less words but more action. Despite a life full of upheavals he hardly complained and turned his turmoil to success. His life lessons are not only enduring but remarkably practical.

Spending and working for more than ten years at his self-founded educational trust taught me leadership skills that have shaped my career and personality alike. I am the product of his teachings and I am proud of it.

Lesson No 1: You are not just a girl

My parents only had four girls. Coming from a Pakistani background, that is a cultural and a social stigma. While the whole family, friends and the neighborhood made it a frequent habit to mention it to my parents that they didn’t have a boy, my dad used to tell us that we were very important to him and to the world. The final lesson of the day used to be, you can do anything you want, just study and do the right thing. His words have always helped me to face the world as a person and not just a woman.

Lesson No 2: Educate yourself to change yourself and the world
Learning has always been my dad’s passion. He believes that life is a gift and once we understand that we should pass it on to others. He has been one of the most influential teachers in my childhood. He balanced being a liberal, yet holding and teaching us the conservative values of the two different cultures. He picked up the best of the Western values and blended them with his national and cultural values enriching not only our lives but the lives of thousands of people around him.

Lesson No 3: Be kind to everyone
Anyone who has ever met my dad would definitely attribute kindness to his personality. It is typical for an Asian man to be authoritative. My dad was the opposite. He never raised his voice even when he was angry. His empathy for people turned him into a legacy. When I used to get irritated at people lying and taking advantage of his kindness, he used to turn around and say: ‘We are lucky that we are in a position to help people, if they come to us for help and we can’t help them, use kind words. Sometimes that is the only thing they need.’ Kindness never went unrewarded for him.

Lesson No 4: Honesty is the best policy
I remember many of my dad’s friends and family members sending him almost all their life savings to him, to invest. He not only invested other’s people’s money but went to certain lengths to make it grow. Many families have benefitted from his actions. When people asked him what would he get in return, his answer was, ‘I am lucky that people trust me with their money, it proves to me and others that I an honest man.’ He used to tell us, ‘Do not cheat people, it will only let you down.’

Lesson No 5: The only way to success is passionate and consistent hard work
We all know that there is no short cut to success. Dad believed in finding the passion in what he did. He challenged us and his staff and students alike to learn what we found difficult, to repeat and practice what we wanted to do, to love the process of what we did and then let the results take care of itself.

Lesson No 6: The more you give, the more you get
No one has ever gone poor by giving. My dad was always a giver. He derived his happiness from giving, by sharing his wealth, his time, his resources and his experiences. Whoever came to him for help, always received some kind of help. His life is an example of the kindness boomerang effect, whatever goes around comes around.

Lesson No 7: The best gift to give someone is knowledge
If you want to give charity, educate a child. If you want to buy a gift for someone, buy a book. If you want to invest, invest in education. The first gift he bought me was a book and he used to read it to me almost every day. It is his life that made me understand: ‘Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; show him how to catch a fish and you feed him for a life time.’

Lesson No 8:  Don’t leave an inheritance, leave a legacy
My dad never said so in so many words but his actions have always been louder than his words. When we were growing up, he set up an educational charity in his local community to educate the girls and then he poured all life earnings and savings in there. According to my dad’s will, the self-financing charity that he has set up cannot be dissolved and will continue to run. Fortunately, my sisters and I are in a position to support and continue his dream and legacy rather than being dependant on any kind of inheritance, all because he invested his time and effort towards our education.

I am very proud that my dad is not only a father for me and my siblings but his efforts and his charitable trust that he has set up will continue to lighten up the path of thousands of children.

Thank you, dear dad

For teaching us life skills, for ensuring the health and well-being of your 4 daughters and for giving us values that we can pass on to our future generation.

Finally, on this Father’s day, it is important to recognize the silent heroes of our life and to say, ‘Thank you, you have been a great dad’. They are the ones who have made our lives worth living.

Happy father’s day to all the great dads around the world.  

'That was when the world wasn't so big and I could see everywhere. It was when my father was a hero and not a human,'   Markus Zusak, The Messenger

                     

Far from the madding crowd

Far from the madding crowd

In today’s digitally connected world there is hardly any part of the world that we feel are out of touch. Updating statuses is just a part of our digital natives’ lives just like brushing their teeth. For digital immigrants like us we also feel a sense of belonging when we are somewhat ‘Connected’. It is not a matter of choice any longer, it is a matter of need now. Willingly or unwillingly we are to adopt the ways of the world.

Being a digital immigrant, I survive and thrive on the internet despite claiming that I am not addicted. When we all decided to get away for the weekend, the last minute plans ended up in the beautiful dales and hills of the Kentmere village in Cumbria, north of England. As we enjoyed the serenity and calmness of the dales, the melodious twittering & chirping of the birds, the sight of the little soft white lambs, we still noticed the dropping phone and internet signals. We pacified ourselves thinking if the Tanzanian safaris, the great barrier reef and the atlantic skies are connected, it seems odd that any place in UK would be living away from the world.

Reaching the valley, the first thing we all looked for was the ‘Wi Fi’, that’s how our brains function now. I went next door to ask and the man simply answered, ‘We don’t have internet or mobile phone connections, you have to climb the top of the hill or drive back to the centre, to get connected.’ His face and body language depicted tranquility and his laid back attitude was fully in tune with his surroundings.  

The youngsters all panicked, they were more worried about connecting to their friends than being joyful about being connected to nature. As half of my brain quickly thought about how will my office contact me, the better half told me it is a blessing in disguise as I will have an abundance of time to absorb the sights and smells of the natural beauty that we usually fail to understand.

We all went up the hill, most with the intention of ‘connecting’ and a few to see the valley from the top. Sitting at the top I did think that the dozen or so households living in the valley must be knowing what they are missing, there would definitely be a reason of them staying away from the madding crowd.

Life sometimes gets so rushed that we hardly get time to think calmly, everything we think and do is digital. The truth is if I knew that the cottage we are renting will not be connected, I would not have given it a second thought but I do believe that blessings do come in disguises. The weekend together with our digital children was spent playing board games and bonding without any worries of checking our phones every now and then. It taught us to switch off, limit the addiction and condition our brains to think independently.

We are digitally connected but physically and spiritually disconnected from nature. Given the choice would I suggest living away from the Madding crowd- definitely a yes, for at least a week once a year to refresh and enlighten our brains and souls.

Seven days, part time disconnection, far away from the madding crowd, relieved to get back to the real world but mentally and spiritually refreshed.

Beatrix Potter stated, “One place suits one person, another place suits another person.”

I long for the tranquil world of Beatrix Potter & Wordsworth but can't stay away from the madding crowd.